


keep going, going, going

by changgus



Category: Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: Jealousy, M/M, Marking, Mild Implied Body Issues, Oral Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:28:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23076268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/changgus/pseuds/changgus
Summary: Shinwon shouldn’t be jealous, really. He’s used to everyone’s constant touching, steady hands on his thighs or holding on to the loose bits of his clothing as often as he’s breathing. It’s always been like this, even back when they were all trainees, strangers and unsure and drowning.So Shinwon knows being jealous is stupid, he does.
Relationships: Ko Shinwon/Yang Hongseok
Comments: 11
Kudos: 63
Collections: The DS9CU





	keep going, going, going

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys!! this was for a kissing prompt meme on twitter that kind of got away from me so i'm posting it here. the prompt for this specifically was jealousy/envy so everyone say thank you [tori](https://twitter.com/changgukah/) for requesting it.
> 
> EDIT 2020/09/01: i've always been kind of unsatisfied with where the original version of this ended so, even though it's been months since i posted this, i went ahead and finished it up. so if you happen to be revisiting this one, yes there are about double the words, haha. hope y'all enjoy!

Shinwon shouldn’t be jealous, really. He’s used to everyone’s constant touching, steady hands on his thighs or holding on to the loose bits of his clothing as often as he’s breathing. It’s always been like this, even back when they were all trainees, strangers and unsure and drowning. 

So Shinwon knows being jealous is stupid, he does. It’s just that every bit of his brain lately not dedicated to remembering choreography and lyrics and vaguely appropriate interview answers has been buzzing with worry. Comeback preparations are always as stressful as they are exciting and lack of sleep and proper meals means his already minimal capacity to process whatever he’s feeling at any given time is at an all time low. Compounded with watching Hongseok tuck full water bottles and stacks of snacks away for later whenever they’re handed to him, saying just a few more days, like the sticky crumbs of a Nature’s Valley bar are some kind of reward, Shinwon feels like his chest is two seconds away from caving in at any moment. 

Everything was supposed to go back to normal after the MV filming, and then after the showcase, but these stupid outfits keep getting dragged out and Shinwon can see it, see the change in Hongseok’s face every time he smiles and accepts another piece of leather that’s nothing more than sleeves. And it’s not just the performances either, it’s coming home and having to swat Hongseok’s phone out of his hands where he’s reading comment after comment on Naver saying he’s wasting his body, he’s dirty, he’s gross, he’s-

Shinwon throws his legs across Hongseok’s lap, settling into the small couch in their dorm, and coos out compliments, half teasing and half as sincere as he can be without his chest hurting. He pinches the exposed skin where Hongseok’s t-shirt has ridden up and makes him laugh in the genuine way that makes his eyes crinkle. 

There’s Hongseok the idol who is always on and bright, sweet and smart and built like the boyfriend material everyone dreams of, the perfect shiny package. He’s made mistakes but he’s worked hard and changed and is better now. Then there’s the Hongseok who comes home at night and can’t look in the mirror and measures his cereal in a scale before he can take a single bite, who, like Shinwon, gets a little bit mean when he’s feeling vulnerable. Shinwon is not sure which one he’s getting when they curl together lit by nothing but the blue glow of the TV, Hongseok’s face pressed tightly into the crook of his neck, breath hot on his skin. He’s not sure which one presses the soft kiss there before they drift off to sleep.

The jealousy doesn’t set in until a little over a week into promotions. Being stupid in pictures has always been their _thing_. Like they never had to talk about it, they just started doing it and now it’s a game of what pose they can come up with after every recording. They’ve only gotten a few good ones in this time because everything’s just been such a whirlwind of back to back schedules and exhausted staff who barely have enough time to even make sure they all have their eyes open for the photo nevermind making time for Shinwon to clamber onto Hongseok’s back for a laugh. Shinwon really doesn’t think about it much, exhausted himself, until they’re being crowded together after Simply K-Pop. Everyone shuffles in as they always do and someone is laughing and reminding Hongseok to turn around to show off the wide open back of today’s outfit and it’s fine, it’s really fine, and the staff takes the photo. She hands them the phone so they can review it and that’s when Shinwon can feel it bubbling under his skin.

He looks at Changgu’s hands, Changgu’s hands slipping under the leather, flat against bare skin and tries not to clack his teeth together when his jaw clenches. 

They’ve still got Music Bank and four hundred other things to do today so before he can really think about it the staff takes the phone back and they’re being carted along to the next schedule. Except the thing is despite how busy they are, he can’t seem to think about anything else while sitting in the van, while getting his makeup done and re-done, while curled up pretending to take a nap on the green room floor. He can hear everyone laughing even with his headphones in and something ugly and hot simmers under his skin.

It’s the fact that this all feels like a big joke even though Shinwon knows exactly the mood Hongseok will be in when they get back to the dorm and the lights are off and the cameras are away. It’s the fact that even though the backless outfits are better than the cropped ones, Hongseok will still add just another day to his count and Shinwon will watch him and worry. And it’s the fact that, for some fucking reason, Shinwon can’t stop thinking about how it’s felt when it’s been _his_ hands and how much he’d like to feel again.

The worst part is he’s not even mad at Changgu really because being mad at him, and staying mad at him, is a feat even Shinwon is barely capable of. He’s not even really sure that he’s mad at Hongseok either. Though it’s harder to say when it’s Hongseok’s laughter he can hear specifically despite Harry Styles’ best efforts blasting into his eardrums. He pulls his jacket that he’s been using as a blanket up and over his head even though he knows the stylist noonas will kill him for messing up his hair. If he could just sleep for even ten minutes maybe he’d feel like a normal fucking person again.

He wakes up, bleary, to a pressure on his back and the bright lights of the green room where his jacket has been yanked back down.

“Hey, go fix your hair, we’re on in fifteen.” Hongseok whispers against his ear and ruffles his already messy hair. It makes the weight in Shinwon’s chest about fifty pounds heavier.

“Yeah, whatever.” He scowls and bats away his hands before clambering up and over to an empty chair by the mirrors.

His eyes still look a little puffy from sleep but nothing that’ll last for the cameras. Reflected in the glass, beyond the stylist fussing over his bangs, he can see Hongseok eyeing him. Shinwon breaks the contact first and pretends he can’t feel a thing.

They snap another group picture before they change into the soft sweaters and layers they’ve been given for their Camellia stages and Hongseok stands all the way in the back and it doesn’t matter.

After the Camellia stage is over they’re brought back together and Shinwon finds himself next to Hongseok. Out of his peripheral he can see Wooseok’s hand wrapped around Hongseok’s shoulder for the first photo and without really knowing why, curls his own hand protectively around Hongseok’s arm before they take the second. He lets it linger there as the staff lets them review the photo and can’t bring himself to let go even as they start to head back to the green room.

Shinwon only barely makes it through the door before Hongseok turns him around and pulls him down the hall with an “Actually, come with me.”

He drags him by the wrist until they find an empty room towards the end of the hallway, small and stacked with chairs and random other shit but devoid of other people which is what matters. It probably could’ve been cleared out to make another green room for any number of the rookie groups about to collapse from exhaustion, days which Shinwon knows painfully they’ve only barely scraped past themselves. Hongseok closes the door behind them.

“You’ve been fucking weird all day.”

Shinwon pulls himself out of his thoughts just enough to point at himself, mouth hanging open dumbly. “Me?”

“Uh, yeah, you.”

“Well, maybe _you’ve_ been fucking weird.”

Hongseok frowns and Shinwon knows he sounds like he’s approximately five years old. But maybe he’s felt like a petulant child all day anyway so why stop now.

“Or I guess I wouldn’t know. Maybe I should go ask Changgu. Or Wooseok.”

It sounds so fucking stupid even as Shinwon is saying it but his mouth just keeps moving anyway. He never knows how to stop, how to just stop. Hongseok stares at him blankly for a second and then has the audacity to laugh, high and gasping like it’s the funniest thing Shinwon has ever said to him.

“Are you _jealous_?”

“No.” Shinwon answers a moment too fast.

“Really?” Hongseok backs Shinwon up against the door, tugging down the front of his sweater with his index finger. “Not even a little bit?”

“No.” Shinwon says again, but this time firm and confident, like his entire face is not on fire. Like if Hongseok looks hard enough he won’t see the flames about to burst out of Shinwon’s cheeks. If there was ever a time to just shut his mouth, it would be now, but he can’t. “Why would I be?”

Hongseok trails his finger along Shinwon’s collarbone and then up his neck, over the ridge of his adam’s apple to curl under his chin. Without thinking about it at all, Shinwon parts his lips, throat suddenly dry.

“Okay.” 

Hongseok pats him once on the jaw and then steps back.

“Okay?”

He leaves Shinwon behind with nothing but his own confusion, feeling frankly a little affronted, and the click of the door.

The rest of the day passes in a flurry of schedules and Shinwon is left with a vaguely uncomfortable feeling like getting to school and realizing your shirt is on inside-out or just missing the last step coming down the stairs when you’d expected there to be one more. Nothing is wrong per se, but slightly off. Hongseok sticks to the other members and Shinwon follows suit and does the same.

When it’s finally, finally time to go home Shinwon is careful to clamber into the back of the van next to Hyunggu, who looks about two seconds from falling asleep but indulges Shinwon in the confusion of a conversation anyway. Hongseok stretches out along the middle bench seat, both headphones in and blaring, while Hwitaek sits up front with their manager like the responsible hyung and leader that he is. Any other day Shinwon would be knocked out with his head against the glass, legs tucked up on the seat and heavy winter padding draped over his body like a blanket, but the bassline of Hongseok’s music floating back keeps him going until Hyunggu is only responding with “hm”s and his fingers fidget against his own airpods.

They’re halfway home when Hyunggu can’t take it anymore and puts a gentle hand on Shinwon’s arm.

“Hyung, _please_.” 

Shinwon just nods. Hyunggu looks at him for a moment, lips pursed in concern, before sliding in his airpods and letting his head fall back against the seat. 

“Tomorrow, anything you want to talk about. I’m all yours. Tomorrow.”

A little understanding is really all Shinwon’s asking for. Like, he knows they’re all tired and he would also rather be dead than awake for another second but having to spend the next twenty minutes alone with his thoughts while Hongseok is right there seems even worse. It takes less than a minute before Hyunggu’s mouth falls open as he drifts to sleep.

Shinwon sighs against the glass, breath clouding in the cold. He drags his finger through it aimlessly just for something to keep him occupied. Normally his approach to processing his feelings, and specifically his because the emotional well-being of anyone he cares about is different, is to bottle it deep inside his chest with like a stopper and everything so even if a feeling happened to bob to shore it would still be safe and secret tucked behind his rib cage. So sitting in the back of the van, listening to Hongseok’s breathing and the soft thumping bassline from his headphones, and having to think about the absolute ache that causes in his chest and what that means makes him feel a little bit motion sick. 

Maybe he is jealous and maybe he likes the way they all touch each other all the time but maybe with Hongseok he wants it to be different, to be more. Maybe he doesn’t want anyone else’s hands under Hongseok’s clothes because he has two perfectly good hands and he’s only a little bit terrified to use them. Whatever. 

They get back to the dorm and Shinwon half expects Hongseok to speed ahead, keeping up whatever weird tension they’ve been playing with all day. Instead, he hangs back. No one speaks on the walk up the stairs but Hongseok keeps close and when they’ve all made it through the front door and toed off their shoes, he circles his hand around Shinwon’s wrist and pulls him gently into his room.

Before Shinwon can say any of the things running through his head, which he absolutely spends the entire brief walk gearing up to do, Hongseok guides him into a hug with Shinwon’s hands splayed firm against his back. He presses his face into Shinwon’s neck again, just like that night on the couch, but this time without even the light of the TV to see them. 

It’s quiet save for Shinwon’s heartbeat thrumming in his ears and for a moment he just freezes, because for as much as he thinks he’s wanted exactly this, actually indulging it feels like a different thing. Somewhere in his mind he wonders if wanting but not taking is half the game, but then he remembers hands under clothes and in the cave of his chest, there’s a want so strong and so full. So he leans in and takes.

Hongseok’s mouth is so warm against his, lips full and soft and just a little bit tacky from his chapstick. When Hongseok licks into his mouth, just as wanting, Shinwon slides his hands up under his shirt and scrapes his nails against bare skin. His thoughts are a buzzing loop of everyone else who’s touched him today. Shinwon pushes and pushes, hungry. 

“I _knew_ you were jealous, asshole.”

“Shut up.”

Shinwon kisses him again, running his tongue along the seam of his mouth. He feels full to the brim, molten and spilling over with a feeling he can’t name. He kisses Hongseok like he has nothing left to lose, and maybe he doesn’t, really. Hongseok lets him in, opens up for him with all the same fervor. 

Hongseok has his hands settled low on Shinwon’s hips and Shinwon has his hands everywhere, can’t stop touching, reaching out for more. 

Under his palms he maps out the curve of Hongseok’s back, the knots in his spine, rakes his nails in a way that makes Hongseok’s breath pitch differently into his mouth. He wants to feel him, wants it to feel real.

There’s Shinwon the idol who is in some ways less shiny, but easier to fall into, a best friend but also a model, all broad shoulders and a confidence and comfort in himself that reads as natural as the breaths he takes. The comedian, he’s had his damage but he laughs through it, is stronger now. Then there’s the Shinwon who is here, who feels messy and like the things he wants and the things he is allowed to have, deserves to have are diametrically opposed. The lock and key he has swallowed melt in the acid of his stomach. 

“You should’ve kissed me at the station.” Hongseok says when Shinwon starts a map with his mouth too, lips dragging over his neck, where his heart is beating under his skin. “I know you wanted to.”

“Yeah?” He’s trying not to leave a mark but he wants to. “You know everything, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I do.” Hongseok tilts Shinwon’s chin and kisses him on the mouth again. He’s all pressure, taking Shinwon’s bottom lip in between his teeth. Catch and release. “I can read you better than you think, Shinwon-ah.”

“You’re full of shit.”

“So you don’t want this? I can call Changgu.” Hongseok pulls back, lips out of reach and smiling, slides his hand down Shinwon’s arm and tangles their fingers together.

“Don’t.” 

“Or who else was it?”

“Stop.” Shinwon’s face feels hot. He kind of wants to crawl under the bed, or maybe look up flights to the Antarctic. He’d definitely have to start wearing padding, which he’s been so good at avoiding this year, but some sacrifices are worth making.

Hongseok swings their linked hands as he leans back in, runs his nose along the curve of Shinwon’s jaw, and it feels so easy. That’s maybe what pulls at Shinwon’s chest the worst. The way their hands fit together, palm to palm.

“Or what?”

Shinwon pulls his hands out of Hongseok’s and plants them on his chest instead. It’s a mirror of how they’d stood in that storage room earlier but it’s Shinwon’s turn to lead.

“Is this just a game to you?” He didn’t really want to say it, wanted to say maybe anything else. It’s too sincere, too vulnerable. He still feels like he’s bubbling over. He asks anyway.

“No.” Hongseok replies, fast. And he’s sincere too, his eyes softening around the word. He crowds Shinwon back against the door and kisses him again. “Like how this looks on you though.”

The cord in Shinwon’s chest snaps, the bottle floats to shore uncorked, and he laughs. He feels all at once so blindingly bright and so incredibly dark. He is soap bubbles floating on the air and he is the ocean floor. There is relief and there is fear and there is something else. He doesn’t know what to do with all of it so he melts into Hongseok instead, lets the press of his lips guide him. 

They kiss like they’re trying to leave a mark. Hongseok rocks his hips into Shinwon’s, and then again, spreads his legs so Shinwon can get his thigh between them and give him more of the pressure he’s looking for. 

“Shinwon-ah,” Hongseok’s still so close their lips brush as he speaks, Shinwon can feel his eyelashes flutter against his skin. “Is there anything else you want?” He threads his fingers through the loops of Shinwon’s jeans and tugs forward. “I want you to have it.”

He wants so much his body can’t contain it. He wants both this and whatever comes after. He wants to press his lips into Hongseok’s bare skin and say _mine_ over and over again and he wants to say it again in the morning light when everything means more. 

He wants to kiss him in broadcast building storage rooms and after late nights in the studio and over breakfast after Hongseok’s had his first coffee and he can still taste it on his tongue. He wants him like this, now, and he wants him when they play video games in the living room until the sun rises through the patio glass and when they fight, when their tempers get the better of them, even then. He wants to be his, wants to have him too, the two of them.

“Just you.” Shinwon feels like Hongseok’s cracked into the spaces between his ribs. He kisses him hard, grips one hand into his hair to shift the angle. Hongseok whines at that, short but there, Shinwon wants to make him do it again. “Just you.”

He walks Hongseok back until his knees hit the edge of his bed and Hongseok fists his hand into the front of Shinwon’s shirt to drag him down with him. 

When Shinwon pulls back, he can still feel Hongseok on his lips. He can’t remember the last time he kissed someone like this, if it felt like it mattered as much. He reaches out and runs his thumb over Hongseok’s bottom lip, tries not to fucking moan when Hongseok tilts his head and takes his thumb into his mouth. 

He pulls off slow, eyes fluttering shut as his lips drag up over the tip and then he pushes back down and does it again. He looks at Shinwon this time, making eye contact as his teeth catch on the pad of his thumb. 

Shinwon shifts his hand so he can work in his index and middle finger instead, watching the way Hongseok’s lips stretch for him. He pumps his fingers in and it all feels a little unreal. Hongseok’s mouth, full and spit-slick, the wet glide of his tongue. Shinwon wants to kiss him again so he does, because he can.

He reaches down between them to drag the heel of his palm over Hongseok’s dick through his jeans and Hongseok gasps into his mouth. His movements are lazy but he can feel the outline of his erection under the denim, traces over the head with his thumb.

Shinwon spreads Hongseok’s legs apart with his hands and then drops between them with all the confidence in the world and then fumbles with the button of his jeans. Hongseok laughs above him, light and airy. Shinwon gets it on the next go and Hongseok shifts so he can work them off down to his knees, his boxers too. 

“Is this okay?” Shinwon takes Hongseok’s cock in his hand, grip loose at first.

“Fuck, yeah, it’s more than okay.” Hongseok cards his hand through Shinwon’s hair and Shinwon tilts his head to press a kiss to his palm.

Hongseok takes back his hand to grip the edge of the bed as Shinwon starts working him for real, learning with each pump of his fist what Hongseok likes, what makes his breath catch.

He dips down to get his mouth on his inner thigh, and he takes his time, marking him up while he bucks up into his hand. Shinwon nips at the soft skin, catching it between his teeth and then soothing over it with his tongue. He presses bruises like promises everywhere his mouth can reach.

There are parts of both of them that have to be for everyone, this is something that is just for them.

Shinwon shifts in closer, adjusts his hand so he can run his mouth, open and wet, over the head of Hongseok’s cock. He pushes down as far as he can go without gagging, his hand covering the rest, and discovers that Hongseok is loud. Each bob of his head drags out another breathy whine and Hongseok tries to muffle the sound with his hand but Shinwon can still hear.

He hasn’t really had a lot of opportunities to give head, and he’s not really sure that he knows what he’s doing, or that he’s any good at it. He does know what _he_ likes though, and he knows that when he drags his tongue flat up Hongseok’s shaft it makes his hips stutter up.

Shinwon takes a pass deeper than he’s really ready for and feels the tears gather in the corners of his eyes. He pulls off for a moment, refocusing to kiss the base just above his fingers and then trail up slow, twisting his wrist.

He can feel Hongseok watching him when he swallows him down again. His hand scrambles for purchase on Shinwon’s shoulder, in his hair.

“Shinwonnie,” His voice pitches low. It’s all the warning Shinwon gets before Hongseok is coming in his mouth and Shinwon tries his best to swallow it down.

He pulls off messy, spit and come on his chin, and Hongseok pulls him up to kiss him clean. He licks up his chin and then into his mouth, pulling Shinwon down on top of him. Hongseok’s back hits the bed and he’s immediately reaching for Shinwon’s fly, hands much more sure than Shinwon’s had been. 

The angle is a bit difficult, Hongseok’s legs still hanging off the edge of the bed and Shinwon’s thighs caging him in, but he gets Shinwon’s pants off and manages to kick off the rest of his own.

“Hold on.” Hongseok shuffles back a bit, hands steady on Shinwon’s hips while he adjusts their position. He has Shinwon swing one thigh over so he’s straddling only one of Hongseok’s now and then guides his hips down to drag against him.

Shinwon leans into him, breath hot on Hongseok’s neck as he ruts against him. 

“Should I ask the coordi noonas for that jacket again tomorrow? Fuck.” Hongseok laughs and Shinwon bites at his shoulder, light, teasing. Hongseok digs his fingers into his ass, hitches his thigh up to give Shinwon a better angle to fuck against.

“What about a turtleneck?” Shinwon nips at his collarbone and Hongseok laughs again. 

“If I’d known you were gonna be like this I could have made this happen so much sooner.” 

“You’re such a narcissist.” Shinwon drags his lips along his jaw featherlight.

“You love it though.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

Hongseok’s smile is so blinding in the dark of his room and Shinwon has maybe never felt so weightless. He’s close now, grinding down dirty on Hongseok’s thigh, and it doesn’t take long for him to spill over. He buries his face in Hongseok’s neck while he comes, rocks his hips down slow while he rides it out.

“Hey,” Hongseok says when Shinwon rolls off of him and they’re both on their backs staring up at the popcorn ceiling of his room. “I meant it, earlier.” He turns his head, scans his eyes over Shinwon’s profile. “This isn’t a game to me.”

Shinwon turns too and tries to read his expression. This is the sort of thing that makes him feel like his chest is three sizes too small, a hand-me-down that he never quite made work. 

It’s hard for Hongseok too, he knows that. Knows that that’s why they’re here in the first place.

He swallows his pride and says, “Me too.”

It’s not everything, it doesn’t even begin to cover it, but it’s a start. It is the two of them reaching out into the darkness and finding each other, sparking their own light in the space between.

Hongseok smiles again but softer now, no teeth, and closes the distance to press his nose in where Shinwon’s ear meets his jaw.

“Stay here tonight?” And that’s not everything either, but it’s something.

“We’ve got schedules tomorrow.” Shinwon says like he cares, like it makes any difference.

“You know I wake up better if it’s your alarm.”

Shinwon breathes out through his nose but it fades into a smile. “Fine.”

They shuffle out of their shirts, Hongseok using Shinwon’s to wipe up the rest of their mess, before they curl together under the sheets and the heavy winter blankets. His bed smells like him, his shampoo and the fabric softener he buys at the store, and when Hongseok tucks himself up against his chest it feels like everything.

In the morning it’s not Shinwon’s alarm that wakes them up, but Hyunggu’s, blaring through the wall. They can hear the knock of Hwitaek shuffling around in the living room, his voice when he tells Hyunggu the kettle’s still on if he wants tea.

It is otherwise quiet, morning light just barely waking through the crack where Hongseok’s blinds meet his window. Today too will be the same routine, interviews and music show recordings and livestreams and bruising themselves in the company building whether it’s dance practices or meetings in the boardroom. They won’t see this room again until it’s dark on the other side and they’ve spent their last drops of energy scrubbing off makeup and maybe shoveling down whatever cup ramyeon is left in the pantry.

Hongseok pulls the blanket up further, wiggles his toes against Shinwon’s legs while he tries to get closer.

“Five more minutes.” He says, lips moving against Shinwon’s collarbone.

“Okay, five.” Shinwon runs his fingers lazily down Hongseok’s arm. “But if another alarm goes off Hyunggu’s gonna slam that door open and see your bare ass.”

Hongseok props his chin up on Shinwon’s chest when he smiles, “Would that make you jealous?”

Shinwon pushes against his face but he’s smiling too. If his feelings are a secret note in a bottle, then the ebb of the water is gentle and slow, rolling him in with the tide. Hongseok settles back into him and his breath evens, Shinwon falls back asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/gayjinho) // [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/gayjinho)


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